Today's post is going to be a little out of the norm for this blog. I like to think I keep the blog upbeat and fun for the most part. Talk about the surface things (how great and cute everything in life is). But today I am going to just let my fingers do the talking as I sit down for some keyboard therapy.
I will not be hurt or offended if you choose to skim or even skip this post. It is for me to get the feelings out as they are fresh, so that someday - if I want to - I can remember this time in my life.
A couple days ago my husband came home for lunch - as he regularly does - and brought with him a stack of papers. At first I ignored the papers because it's not that unusual that he have something in hand when he comes home. After a few minutes my curiosity got the best of me and I walked over to the table where he had set them down. As I looked down at them, I felt like I was punched in the stomach. Across the top, in big bold letters was written, "STATEMENT FOR SINGLE SOLDIERS.....FORMS MUST BE COMPLETED PRIOR TO MY DEPARTURE FOR OVERSEAS...." Included was the processes he would need to go through and forms for him to begin his medical clearance for going overseas. The worst question he has to answer is where it asks what his intentions for his family are.
There it is, our entire future for a year put in a simple "check your answer" sentence. The weight of that decision seems to be mocked by the fact that you simply place your X on the line and your life is changed forever. How can something so important and life altering be squished in to one sentence? Like we are a disposable possession, does he want to send us somewhere else to be stored, or leave us here? (That's not really the wording...it's just how it sounds.)
It took all I had to not break down in tears at that moment. We knew about the possibility of Korea for a while before this, but had put all our faith in the fact that Claire was put on a program to make sure we were somewhere with a pediatric eye specialist. The program is SUPPOSED to make it so a soldier cannot be stationed somewhere without the necessary specialist for their family member...but apparently it isn't working out that way. Instead, he will just have to go alone for 1 year as Claire will not be given clearance to go overseas.
I was sad, shocked and mad. How had my iron clad faith not moved mountains like I had wanted? How had all my prayers gone unanswered, my pleading and begging with the Lord to let my family stay together not been done? How had his orders not been changed so he wouldn't have to go to Korea?
Then a quote I heard somewhere at sometime popped in to my mind (I wish I could remember when or where or even who, but I don't). It basically made the point that no matter how strong your faith is, it cannot change the will of the Lord.
As the thought entered my mind it was like the Lord saying, "I know you have all the faith you possibly can, but I know what is best for you, do not worry over things you can't control. Things will work out, your prayers are heard, your faith is acknowledged."
That doesn't mean I'm not still devastated by the idea of being away from my husband for a year. It doesn't make me less sad knowing all the milestones he will miss of our children. Birthday's, starting kindergarten, starting preschool, crawling, walking, talking...LIFE! What it does mean, though, is that I know (well, at least THINK) that things will be okay. We will be watched over, we will be taken care of. We can do this!
We still don't know for 100% certainty that things won't change...I mean we are in the Army. They could change his orders the day of his graduation if they wanted to.
But for now we will prepare for the worst. I will figure out a place to live near family for me and my girls, we will get everything in order for them to go to preschool and kindergarten. And when everything is in place, we will wait and continue to quietly hope in the back of our minds and in our hearts that Claire's program will do as we were lead to believe and change Marty's orders.
My new motto of life: Hope for the best...Plan for the worst.
It's a crappy motto though.
7 comments:
Oh, Camille, I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. What a hard thing, but really, you'll do so great. I just know it.
You forgot the last part of the motto -- and take whatever comes. Beautiful post and I know you all can handle whatever the Lord has in store for you all.
I am SO sorry!
You are such an amazingly strong woman!
Oh, I'm sorry your family has to go through this. I can only imagine how hard it must be.
But make sure your hubby knows we are thankful for his service!!! :)
I'm sorry, the military really doesn't care that much about family. Sad, but true. And I don't think your motto is crappy, it's been mine since I married the army... I mean my husband. Lol. I know this sucks, we've been there more than once. But you can get through this and as cliche as it shounds, know that this will only make your marriage stronger. I'll keep your family in my prayers.
:( I can't say I know how you feel, but I do have an uncle in the army. He has been in Korea and will be back, hopefully, by the end of June. Life in the military is not easy, but Uncle has had experiences that he could not have anywhere else! And his family has been blessed from his service in the military and what service he has done in the church in many parts of the world.
I can't imagine doing it, but I know you are strong and you and your family wil be blessed!
I'd say all things considering, you still sound upbeat and positive. I'm sorry that it may not work as you'd hoped and prayed that it would. Hopefully you can find out what s definitely happening soon so you can plan. I assume that if he does have to go, you'll be moving back to where you came from? If so, we'll come keep you company and keep you so entirely busy, that hopefully the year will fly by. But we're sending a little prayer your way tht it all works out the best for your family.
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