Gosh, where does one even begin to unload the weight of our life right now?
The weight is keeping me from blogging at all, because I just don't even know how to spill it all out, but at the same time don't necessarily want to write a huge vent fest or overshare on the blog. But I do need to get some of it out there...for my own sanity. So please, read on with the understanding that I am exhausted and possibly emotional. Or don't read on...whatever you want, I'm not your mother.
Things are - complicated - right now. I guess that's the best way to describe it. In a million years I never imagined I'd be single parenting 5 kids all under ten years old while Marty worked in California. Sometimes I feel like if this were the only hurdle, we'd probably be better able to handle it. But there are so many other things that just multiply the immense stress!
For example: Marty just found out he has to be out of his current living situation by the 28th of this month - yeah...where will he go after that? NO IDEA! We certainly can't afford for him to stay at a hotel or rent an apartment. He jokes that he'll live out of his van and get a $20 a month gym membership to use a shower. Who knows, maybe it'll really come down to that.
Then there's the fact that we're trying to sell our house and have had more than one person approach us interested that we hold off moving forward with advertising our house for, only to have them walk away at the last minute. We did just get a realtor, so now I'm also trying to keep up on cleaning so that I can be ready at a moments notice for a showing on top of just trying to maintain regular life and figure out a newborn...challenging doesn't even scrape the surface.
If you were a fly on the wall at my house, I'm sure that you would probably wish to be swatted by a fly swatter or stuck in a bug zapper, because it is CHAOS around here. Just the other day Molly fell off the back of the couch onto our tile floor while I was making a bottle for Brody so I wasn't there to stop her. She did this while Brody was screaming in the swing and Brielle was trying to force his binky in his mouth to calm him down, at the same time Marty calls and Brielle decided to answer, so she's yelling into the phone over all the screaming and crying. I can only imagine how that seemed to him. We did survive...but those situations aren't all that uncommon, and man, oh man, do I wish I had a second pair of hands and a reprieve from it all in the evenings. But alas...I don't. Yes, I know, people have it worse. But this is my blog, my complaining.
Add to that that I have to go back to transcribing from home because living in two different states is a huge strain on our finances.
(I think this is the biggest challenge...seriously...nothing like trying to transcribe while kids are screaming in the background, but I have deadlines to make and we need the money) I mean, I wouldn't even consider our situation "making ends meet" at this point. It's beyond frustrating, because if the house would just sell, things would improve vastly. Marty wouldn't miss out on family time, I would actually be able to breathe, we would have money to catch up on financial matters, we could have our family together again. But for whatever reason, we are being blocked at every turn.
And the guilt - oh the guilt - I constantly feel guilty that I am not able to give my kids all they need. I can't be two parents, and unfortunately the one they've got right now is not exactly doing the best. It's hard, but I think it's normal as a mom to put a lot of pressure on ourselves. And I always feel like I'm failing. I'm working on it though.
There are a few other things also weighing on us, but I feel like I need to keep those private for now.
(Especially since my children have discovered the blog and like to read it...Brielle...go do your homework!)
I definitely don't feel like I have the strength to do it all. But somehow, I am still going, still surviving. I may go 3 days without showering, may not ever leave the house, might forget when the last time I bathed the three little kids was, and yell WAY more than I ever thought I would, but we're alive.
But among all this craziness and stress, I am trying to look for the good. First off, I am so incredibly grateful that I made a ton of freezer meals before we had Brody, and then didn't start using them until Marty had gone back to California and my mom had gone back home. Otherwise my kids would be living off of PB&J or cereal.
My kids are healthy, beautiful and happy. My sister, Emily, lives near and helps out WAY MORE than I deserve. We do have a roof over our heads, food on the table and a vehicle to drive
(although sometimes we have to ration the food and gas in the car to get to pay day...but you know...that's always fun). The older girls LOVE being back at school with their friends and are doing great.
To help remind me how there is still good hiding in all the negative, I just want to unload some pictures from my phone.
Having a little "movie party" on Claire's karaoke machine
Stuffing grapes in their cheeks to look like chipmunks
Walking around the temple grounds
Molly started putting all the flower clips on her head (with a little help from me) so the other girls joined in.
Claire and Addison being a "two-headed person" zipped themselves up into my sweater. Apparently it was quite cozy, because they stayed like this to watch a movie.
Molly wears her little stuffed animals around her neck...I think it's hilarious. They have velcro hands, so she hooks them on and stays this way for hours.
This cute boy smiling more and more
Molly got a cute new haircut
So bummed this was blurry...but caught a good smile.
Caught the end of a smile
Put a sprinkler out on the park grass and let the kids go crazy for a while
Addison made a sweet mask out of tulle and pipe cleaners
This boy knows how to lounge
And this video...oh be still my heart
(ignore my annoying baby talking voice)
So yes...I do have a lot to be grateful for. It's hard to remember that at times when you feel like the walls are closing in.
But all in all, I do know I'm blessed. Very, very blessed.
