Made up memory: Zip It!

As a child, Ben was not exactly a quiet child.

This may be hard to believe for some, as he was a much more reserved teenager and adult. 

Not shy, just not loud.

Polar opposite to him as a child.

I imagine there were many times where mom and dad were asking him to please keep it down, or to use a softer voice.  I know I used my fair share of "naughty words" (i.e. 'shut up'...I know, I am a horrible person)

One day, I imagine he had heard "zip it!" one too many times, and decided it was time to take matters into his own hands.

It didn't seem to help though.

CH-CH-CH-Changes...

WHAT. A. WEEK!

Wow, I don't even know where to begin.

One week ago, we were under the impression that we were no where near ready to buy a house, we were aggressively looking for a new job for Marty (although his current one is a fine job, it doesn't have room for growth which is why we've been looking), were wondering how much longer we'd need to make our van last, and how much longer we'd be living in limbo at my parent's house.

Fast forward a week and suddenly we find out that we actually ARE ready to buy a house (still kind of upset that we were told we weren't, only to find out that not only are we ready, but well above where we needed to be credit wise to be ready...), Marty was offered a job in St. George, Utah that we are accepting and will start April 15th (still not sure if me and the girls will stay here to finish out the school year or not), and we found a smokin' deal on a GMC Yukon XL that we pick up on Friday.

WHAT?!

We had started looking for jobs outside of Utah, wondering if that's why nothing was happening here.  We had resigned to the idea of moving away again, and knew it would be fine.  So when the St. George job came along, we were thrilled.  Because while it is "moving away" from home, it's only 4 hours away, and my sister Emily already lives down there.  So we'll still be by some family!  SO EXCITED!

We have been praying and trying to be patient for things to fall into place for the last year and a half, almost two years.  And everything we tried to do fell through or didn't feel right.  And now in a matter of a week, everything fell into place and feels GREAT.

We will be heading down to St. George next week for Spring Break (a trip that was already planned) and will use a day of our vacation there to scope out houses and neighborhoods to see what we want to do.  Emily is also doing a lot of leg work for us and is a great resource for good areas to look.

I can't even begin to express how excited I am that things are finally moving forward for us after such a long time of working hard and being disappointed!  

We've been stuck in limbo a long time, and it feels good to finally stand up and stretch our backs.

Hooray for positive changes!

Made up memory: Christmas Mornings

Ben, me, and Aspen holding Emily

Christmas mornings were always full of excitement - as they are in every house.  

The excitement would begin bright and early, usually around 3:00 a.m.  Ben was always the most excited, and would quietly wake us up and whisper "Do you think mom and dad will let us get up now?"  

We would send Ben off to ask mom and dad...because we knew they would probably say no, but always hoped that Ben's charm would convince them otherwise.

But he always came back disappointed.

4:00 a.m.:  "Do you think it's time now?"

Off he went to ask the parents, just to be sent back to bed.

5:00 a.m. "I really think they'll let us get up now!"

But he was wrong.  They still wanted more sleep.

So, Ben - being the ultimate master of sneak - hatched a plan.  He would quietly go into the living room to see what Santa had brought, and report back to us.  That way the waiting would be a little easier.

He would come back with his report:  "I saw a bike/giant doll house/cabbage patch kids!" and we would sit and whisper and giggle, all squished in one bedroom (even when we had our own) watching the seconds tick away on the clock until we got the go ahead from mom and dad.

Mom always made us pose at the stairs for a picture before "letting us see the presents."

Aspen, Ben, Me, Emily

We would oblige and pause for the picture, all the while exchanging sneaky glances because Ben had already told us what we were getting.

But mom and dad were none the wiser.

As Ben got older, he tried to act too cool for Christmas, and he would tell us on Christmas Eve to not wake him up, because he wasn't excited and wanted to sleep in.

But sure enough, at 4:00 a.m., Ben would come into our rooms...too excited to sleep...to recruit us to go with him to wake up mom and dad.

And one year, after all the years of begging and pleading, it had finally paid off.  They let us just get up at 4:00.

Even though I'm an adult, I still feel that same intense excitement on Christmas Eve that Ben had, and instilled in the rest of us.  

And I find myself waking up at 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 anxiously waiting for the little pitter patter of feet to come wake me up and say:

"Do you think it's time now?"

Made up memory: Uncle Teasy Pants

Giving Brielle a ride on a nature walk with the family

Ben had a particularly sweet soft spot for the grandkids.  Many times as he was getting closer and closer to passing he would ask specifically about the kids.  He wanted to know how they were doing, what they were up to, and loved hearing any story we could tell him about their antics.  He texted me one time telling me how much he was going to miss the grandkids, and miss watching them grow up, and just how amazing they were to him.

Ben loved visits from the grandkids just as much as they loved going to see him.

All 10 of them had him wrapped around their fingers.  And although the youngest babies didn't get to spend much time with him before he was too sick to do much, he loved them as well.

Poking Brielle and messing with her chair

Ben is - STILL - known and referred to as "Uncle Teasy Pants" around here.  He was constantly poking, bugging, tugging hair, and nudging the kids, he loved to get a reaction out of them.  Almost daily I hear Addison say, "I miss Uncle Teasy Pants.  I so sad he died."  It's heart breaking, but also so wonderful that he made such a big impression on all the kids.

At Sara's concert in the park, he kept tapping the bottom of Claire's chair, and would feign innocence when she would turn around.  Claire talks about this all the time.

Having a conversation with niece Cadence

 One day in particular, Ben was teasing my girls.  Somehow Claire - being a bit clumsy - tripped over Ben's foot and bonked her head on something.  She started crying, and you could instantly see Ben felt bad.  So - despite the pain he was in - Ben had Claire climb up on his lap to console her.

Addison didn't want to be left out and climbed up too.

It seems like a simple thing, having your nieces sit on your lap.  But for Ben, it was probably very painful as his tumors were growing and causing him a lot of pain.  He never let the kids see that he was in pain though.  

They will always remember him as their fun, silly, "Uncle Teasy Pants" who they love, adore, and miss greatly.  He is one of a kind.

Spreading the word/Sharing the love

My sweet cousin's husband has a brain tumor and will be having surgery next month to remove it.  I am sharing this information to help this sweet family.

My cousin, Sheri Wiseman, is an AMAZINGLY talented artist and is selling her paintings to help raise money for the upcoming medical costs. Please keep these amazing people in your thoughts and prayers. I've seen firsthand how generous and kind people are, and am hoping this kindness can continue to be passed on to the Wiseman family now.

Tyler wrote:
On April 17th I will have surgery done to remove a large tumor in my head known as a vestibular schwannoma or in a previous post called an acoustic neuroma (99% of the time benign). The surgery will last around 5 hours if all goes well, and the hospital stay will be close to 5 days. During the surgery they will be severing the vestibular nerve that the tumor is wrapped around. Because of the severance I will lose complete hearing in my right ear and the balance center on my right side will no longer work. Recovery time will be 6 to 8 weeks during which I will be relearning to balance myself using only my left side balance center.
Recently I went in for a routine hearing test, and it was recommended that a MRI be performed to rule out the type of tumor that the MRI confirmed. The surgery itself will cost close to $80,000. Thank goodness we have insurance, but we still do not know what our out of pocket expenses will be. Because of the costs associated with the procedure my wife has been painting like a mad woman, and will be having a silent auction to raise money to help pay for the hospital bills (detail will be available soon). If you would like to purchase a painting prior to the event feel free. http://sheriwiseman.etsy.com/ We have also set up a link to a PayPal™ account in my wife’s blog where people can donate if they wish. http://www.sheriwiseman.blogspot.com/ Thank you all for you love and support.

A new found understanding

A couple years ago, I followed a blog of a lovely young family, living an adventurous life in a city far away from mine.  I enjoyed seeing how they balanced a hectic work schedule with raising a family and also all the traveling to see historical sites they did.

The writer of the blog then had a close family member pass away.

I felt the pain and sadness come through as they began writing about the passing of their loved one.  I felt bad, and also enjoyed reading their personal posts reminiscing about this person they held dear.

But the posts never shifted back to their life before.  They continued to focus on the family member who had passed.  And me - in my super empathetic way - got a little tired of reading it.  I missed the old posts, mostly because I didn't personally know them and also didn't personally know the person they had lost.  I stopped reading the blog.

And here I am, just over a month after my older brother passing away, and my blog is completely about him.  There is a slight pang of guilt over not being more sympathetic to this blogger who was going through a difficult time...and also an understanding as to why the blog remained focused on their loved one.

At times, Ben is all I think about.

Yes, life is moving on, we go and do things as a family, the kids are still funny, crazy and cute, I am able to be happy and have fun...but when I go to sit down at the computer, Ben is all I think about and all I feel like writing about.  Because he is on my mind all the time.

So I am here, unnecessarily apologizing to anyone who may feel the way I did a couple years ago reading the aforementioned blog.

Ben was a big part of my life, and some days are really bumpy trying to grasp the concept that he is gone.

I had a "grief burst" last night.  I had been doing pretty good, and then I had a project I needed help with and thought "I'll call Ben.  He'd know how to do it or be able to tell me who could."

It was in that moment I had to stop myself and realize that wasn't an option.

And while it makes it sound like I miss him because he can't do a favor for me, it's so much more than that.

I miss everything about him.

And I cried and cried, wondering - again - why did my brother have to die?  Why couldn't he be spared and still be here in my life?

In the end, I still know there is a plan and I know that he is so much better off now.

But the sting of emotion doesn't go away, even with that knowledge.

Some days, you just want your big brother.  And that is what is going to be the most difficult thing of all.

Not the big holidays and events...but the little day to day things.

Made up memory: Trail-Head Breakfast

L-R: Mom, Emily, Aspen, Camille, Ben

In 1995, we were on one of many trips to Canyonlands and Moab. 

It was a beautiful spring morning, with a slight chill in the air.  We were looking forward to the sun finally peeking out over the mountains to warm our cold, tired bodies.

We had learned early on to always dress in layers, because a Moab morning could be cold, but a Moab afternoon may cook you like bacon.  I always secretly giggled at the sight of us all with sweatshirts, blankets, gloves and hats paired with a ragged pair of shorts.  We were the absolute epitome of true Utahn's.  Always wearing shorts unless it was a blizzard out.

I imagine Ben and Dad were anxious to get on the trail and start the fun, as well as wanting to give us ample time to take side trails and run obstacles over and over to see how the Jeep would flex and crawl, always completely enthralled with the power of a machine they had customized with their own blood, sweat and tears.

The rest of us sleepily agreed to go.

This meant packing in our breakfast...not our usual routine.  Most of the time we would make a yummy dutch oven breakfast at camp, eat, clean up and head out.

But knowing Ben and Dad, they wanted to watch that sun come up over the red rock spires, because it is magic.  And never wanting to disappoint those men in our little family, we packed up the cereal and left.

And they were right.  The sun coming up over red rock spires is breath taking.

It made that cold cereal taste better than any dutch oven feast ever could.

Ben's Viewing and Funeral Pictures

My awesome cousin, Stephanie Moore  contacted us before the funeral to see if we would like her to take pictures.  We were SO glad that she offered, because worrying about having to bring a camera wasn't something we wanted to do.  We knew we would want pictures of the day, but wanted to be able to completely focus and be present in all that was going on.

We got the pictures back from her, and they are just beautiful.  It is slightly painful to go through them again and relive the days, but it is something we definitely want to remember.

It still seems surreal.

Anyway, I don't have a lot of words.  I'm just going to share some of the pictures Stephanie captured.  It was an amazing viewing and funeral with hundreds of people coming to show their support. 

Thank you to everyone for the kindness shown to our family!

 Sunday Evening Viewing at Russon Brother's Mortuary

While this sanitizer bottle was at the funeral home, we are the ones that put it on this table to be funny...we also wanted to put a note on it that said "No touchy!" in honor of Ben and his person specific hand sanitizer bottles at his house.  He had one that was for everyone to use the minute they walked in, and one that was only for him with a "no touchy" note taped to it - never wanted to risk any germs.  We accidentally came home with that bottle of hand sanitizer, and it's still sitting on the counter - completely untouched. 

 Monday morning viewing before the funeral

The more casual display that wasn't at the viewing the night before.
Some of Ben's awards and hobbies were highlighted.

One of Sara's final goodbye's before they closed the casket

On the way to the cemetery 

First group of Pallbearers carried the casket from the church to the hearse - close friends/cousins.
(Trenton, Kedrick, Dave, Will, Bryan, Layne, Wade, Dan)

My parents walking out to lead the procession in Ben's truck pulling the Scrambler

 At the cemetery

The second group of Pallbearers carried the casket from the hearse to the grave - family members.
(Dave, Ken, Dane Jr., Dane, Marty, Steve, Short-T, Rand)
Honorary Pallbearers were Nicholas, Joel and Jasec

Huge group of people came to the grave.

The lone piper

Marty and Addison had already gone back to the car (Addison had a fever) and Molly was at the Davis's.

Sisters

After the luncheon, the Campbell family gathered in the Relief Society room at the church to visit.  My cousin Stephanie was wise enough to have us snap some pictures.

All the Campbells who came to the funeral.
Thank you for travelling and being there to support us!

We also had an amazing turnout from the Ridges family - but weren't able to get a picture with them.

As strange as it seems to say, it really was a beautiful day.  The spirit was incredibly sweet and strong.  I felt Ben there with us, hugging me at one point - a feeling I never want to forget.  And while the hole he has left in my life feels bigger every day, I know how happy he is.  How wonderful it must be for him to be free of his pain and suffering.

We love you Ben.  Forever and always!

Made up memory: Facial Expression Master

  There have been times in my life where I have been accused of pulling a lot of faces.

And all I have to say is...I learned from the Master.

There are so few pictures where Ben isn't pulling a face, he truly had mastered the art of deforming his face in the name of comedy.

Back in the day, before digital cameras were invented, my parents had no choice to delete a picture and try again when Ben pulled a face.  You were just stuck with whatever happened.

In 1990, my parents wanted to have a nice little photo shoot of the kids together.  I imagine it went a bit like this:

Mom/Dad:  Okay kids, everyone pose in front of the fire place for a nice little picture all together.

*Kids do as told*

Mom/Dad:  Oh, aren't you all the cutest things we've ever seen?  How about you pose with the little girls on the big kids shoulders.  Awwww...darling!  Now, everyone say cheese!

Girls:  CHEESE!
Ben:  FART! (while pulling a horrible face)

Ben with Emily on his shoulders, Aspen with me on her shoulders

Mom/Dad:  BEN!  We don't say that word!  And please, just smile for the picture!
Ben:  Okay.

Mom/Dad:  All right, let's try this again.  But this time, let's try the big kids on the little girl's shoulders...just for kicks and giggles.  All right, you cute things you, everybody, say cheese!

Girls:  CHEESE!
Ben:  BOOGER!  (while still managing to pull a face)

Mom/Dad:  BEN!  Is it too much to ask for you to take one decent picture?
Ben:  As a matter of fact...it is.

Mom/Dad:  Fine.  Everyone just make a silly face, we give up.

Back: Emily, Me.
Front: Ben and Aspen

And there you have it...a Master teaching us his art.