One Year - Just Let Me Cry

Today marks one year since Ben passed away...and it hurts just as much today as it did back then, but I think it also hurts in a different way.  I remember how surreal it all seemed for quite a while, and just seemed impossible that he was really gone.  Now it's kind of settled in that this is reality, and that carries a new pain with it.  This whole week has been rough, as we neared this "anniversary".  

It feels like it's been the longest year ever, but at the same time I can't believe it's already been a year.  

-I have missed his smirk and sassy remarks.

-I have missed seeing my girls' fall all over him.
-I have missed watching him tease and have fun with the grand kids.

-I have missed watching his eyes light up as he talked about his most recent project/vehicle he was working on, or what he wanted his next vehicle to be.

-I have missed the one word responses to my novel length text messages.

-I have missed his advice and listening ear.
-I have missed having someone to hide with in big group settings
-I have missed him sitting quietly in the corner listening to the chaos around him, catching him smiling and laughing at everyone.
-I missed seeing him feign annoyance at Christmas when my mom wanted to do the nativity story, or when the girls all belted out our traditional Sandy Patti song.
-I have missed watching him slather butter and ranch on everything.
-I have missed having my "middle child" partner in crime - the person that really gets it.
-I have missed sharing good news with him and hearing him tell me how proud he is.
-I have missed having someone around that I feel completely un-judged by - seriously, I never heard him say a bad thing about anyone.  He was so accepting of everyone.

-I have missed my biggest cheerleader and supporter.

-I have missed my big brother.

There is so much more I could say, he made a huge and lasting impression on my life.  But I will just share this song that feels very appropriate for today.
It is by Hilary Weeks and is called "Just Let Me Cry"
(I posted the lyrics below the video, if you want to read along.  I also posted some pictures below, so don't miss out on those.)

Just Let Me Cry

By: Hilary Weeks

I believe that everything happens for a reason

We’re not just tossed by the wind and left in the hands of fate

But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected

And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.

And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under

I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground

Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger

And there’s nothing I can do but let it out

So just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today

So just let me cry

‘Til every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me

I understood that there would be a chance that it would break

But I know he knows exactly how I’m feeling

And I know in time he’ll take the pain away

But for now just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today

So just let me cry

‘Til every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

I have felt joy, the kind that makes my heart want to sing

And so my tears are not a surrender, I’ll feel that way again

But for now, for this moment

Just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today

Just let me cry

Until every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason

Life is not the same without Ben around, and I'm trying to figure out the new normal.  But sometimes, I just have to sit and cry and feel bad.  Then I try to remember the good times and how he would want me to keep living my life and I get back to work, hoping he's still being my cheerleader from heaven.

I LOVE YOU BEN!
Enjoy some of my favorite pictures from over the years.