One Year - Just Let Me Cry

Today marks one year since Ben passed away...and it hurts just as much today as it did back then, but I think it also hurts in a different way.  I remember how surreal it all seemed for quite a while, and just seemed impossible that he was really gone.  Now it's kind of settled in that this is reality, and that carries a new pain with it.  This whole week has been rough, as we neared this "anniversary".  

It feels like it's been the longest year ever, but at the same time I can't believe it's already been a year.  

-I have missed his smirk and sassy remarks.

-I have missed seeing my girls' fall all over him.
-I have missed watching him tease and have fun with the grand kids.

-I have missed watching his eyes light up as he talked about his most recent project/vehicle he was working on, or what he wanted his next vehicle to be.

-I have missed the one word responses to my novel length text messages.

-I have missed his advice and listening ear.
-I have missed having someone to hide with in big group settings
-I have missed him sitting quietly in the corner listening to the chaos around him, catching him smiling and laughing at everyone.
-I missed seeing him feign annoyance at Christmas when my mom wanted to do the nativity story, or when the girls all belted out our traditional Sandy Patti song.
-I have missed watching him slather butter and ranch on everything.
-I have missed having my "middle child" partner in crime - the person that really gets it.
-I have missed sharing good news with him and hearing him tell me how proud he is.
-I have missed having someone around that I feel completely un-judged by - seriously, I never heard him say a bad thing about anyone.  He was so accepting of everyone.

-I have missed my biggest cheerleader and supporter.

-I have missed my big brother.

There is so much more I could say, he made a huge and lasting impression on my life.  But I will just share this song that feels very appropriate for today.
It is by Hilary Weeks and is called "Just Let Me Cry"
(I posted the lyrics below the video, if you want to read along.  I also posted some pictures below, so don't miss out on those.)

Just Let Me Cry

By: Hilary Weeks

I believe that everything happens for a reason

We’re not just tossed by the wind and left in the hands of fate

But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected

And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.

And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under

I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground

Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger

And there’s nothing I can do but let it out

So just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today

So just let me cry

‘Til every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me

I understood that there would be a chance that it would break

But I know he knows exactly how I’m feeling

And I know in time he’ll take the pain away

But for now just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today

So just let me cry

‘Til every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

I have felt joy, the kind that makes my heart want to sing

And so my tears are not a surrender, I’ll feel that way again

But for now, for this moment

Just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today

Just let me cry

Until every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason

Life is not the same without Ben around, and I'm trying to figure out the new normal.  But sometimes, I just have to sit and cry and feel bad.  Then I try to remember the good times and how he would want me to keep living my life and I get back to work, hoping he's still being my cheerleader from heaven.

I LOVE YOU BEN!
Enjoy some of my favorite pictures from over the years.

Back of the Brain

A couple weeks ago, we were sitting around the dinner table and I asked the older two girls to tell me about their day.  I usually ask them give me two good things and two bad things (if they don't say anything other than "my day was good").

It was Claire's turn and she said things like, "I played a fun game at recess" and "We had library today".  Then I asked her if anything bad happened and she said, "I couldn't find [my friend] at last recess" and "I punched a kid" and then went back to eating her dinner.

Obviously, I was a bit surprised by her "I punched a kid" comment and quickly asked what was going on.  It went a bit like this.

Claire:  Well, we were at recess, and Martin (name changed) kept chasing me around trying to kiss me on the cheek.  I kept telling him to stop and he wouldn't listen, he thought it was really funny.  But it's a rule in our class that we aren't supposed to kiss people, and he wouldn't stop.  So I got really mad and turned around and punched him.

Me:  Do you mean you pushed him away, or you kind of smacked him on the arm?  And why didn't you tell a teacher that he wouldn't stop trying to kiss you?

Claire:  No, I punched him.  I couldn't find any teachers out there to tell.

Me:  Where did you punch him?

Claire:  Right in the chest.

Me:  Like...hard?  With a closed fist?

Claire:  Yes, he cried. [continuing to eat as if it were no biggie]

Me:  WHAT?!  Is he OK?  Did he find a teacher?  Why did you punch him?

Claire:  Well, mom, it's not my fault!  He was making me so angry, and when you get really, really angry, the back of your brain takes over and you don't even know what you're doing anymore, and you can't control yourself.  So when I got really, really mad and the back of my brain took over, I punched him without knowing what I was doing.

Me:  Uh...that's not how it works.

Claire:  Yes it is!  The back of my brain takes over control when I'm mad, it's how it works.

Me:  No, it's not.  Did you get in trouble for punching him?

Claire:  Not really.

Me:  Did you tell a teacher or anything?

Claire:  No, then my other friend Martha (name changed) came up and started hitting Martin on the back because he had tried to kiss me.  And then a teacher saw that and got upset with Martha.  Then Martha told the teacher I had punched Martin.

Me:  Did you explain what happened?

Claire:  No, I don't want to be a tattle tail mom. [giving me a look as though I was an idiot]

Me:  So what happened when the teacher found out?

Claire:  She made Martha pull a discipline card for hitting Martin.

Me:  And what about you?

Claire:  Nothing happened to me.

Me:  ............

Claire:  I told you, the back of my brain took control, I didn't know what I was doing anymore.  Plus, he wasn't supposed to be trying to kiss me.

Me:  We need to work on your understanding of anger.  You should not just resort to punching someone if you are upset.  Always find a teacher.  Are you sure the boy is OK?  Did you apologize and talk to him?  Which boy is it?

Claire:  I told you, Martin.  He's the biggest boy in the class.  He is OK, I told him I was sorry and he said sorry for trying to kiss me.  We're back to being friends now.


So there we have it, not only did she punch somebody but it also happened to be the biggest kid who is a good head or two taller than her.  Such a proud mom. [insert eye roll]

I guess part of me is glad to know she won't let people push her around and isn't afraid to stand up for herself - something we worried about with how little and sweet she is.

I think I'm going to use the "back of my brain" as an excuse for things I don't want to get in trouble for too.

"NO, I didn't eat all the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!  And if I did, the back of my brain made me do it.  It saw chocolate and I lost control of myself!  I didn't know what I was doing anymore."

An Update

As an update from my last post, Marty was let go from his job last night.  We are actively looking for anything to try and support our family.

I just have to say I appreciate all the support we have gotten.  Not just for this, but for all the ups and downs in our life.  You've followed us through multiple moves, births of babies, changes in jobs, loss of my brother and everything in between.

I have enjoyed having my own personal blog, to document my own personal life and feelings.  A way to share my own freedom of speech - so to speak - on how I feel about things.  I have enjoyed the outlet that it is.

It has come to my attention that people may not agree with my interpretation of things, and I understand there are always two sides to every story.  But I appreciate you all allowing me to express my feelings and hope you understand that this is my venue to share.  I don't expect all to agree with everything I write, but I do expect that you will respect my feelings.  The last thing I want to have to do is take the blog private, because I know how hard that is for all our friends and family who love being kept up to date with our lives since we live away.

Life can be hard at times, and it can be great at times.

Thanks for sharing in it all with me.

Excuses behind my hiatus

So I've been kind of missing around here on this old blog.  Life has just been stressful lately and I haven't had a lot to write about.  Marty's job has been...well...kind of a joke for the last few months.  What started out as an amazing opportunity with all these promises of greatness has turned out to be kind of a nightmare.

Basically for the last three months, Marty's boss has cut hours - for some unknown reason - leaving us trying to stay afloat while losing a huge portion of our income.  It hasn't been pretty, and we aren't staying afloat very well honestly...but we're trying.  You can only cut out so much groceries and extras to make up for missing income.  Then, you just hope for mercy.

We feel like the rug just got pulled out from under us, leaving us sitting in a dusty, dirty pile of junk.  We've been holding out hopes that things would improve with the job, but they kind of get worse every day.  So apparently, and unfortunately, we're back in the job hunt.

Why??

I am so frustrated and discouraged by it all.  We left family (besides my sister Emily) to move to St. George, bought our first house and were ready to settle down.  And now we're left in a city with no other opportunity, in a house that we can't sell or rent until at least May (there is a 1 year owner occupancy clause with VA home loans), trying to figure things out.  Marty is looking at night jobs, I'm trying to pick up as much transcription work as I can - but really, with four little kids at home it's very hard to get much done.  We're hopeful things will work out.  But at times, I really just want to go yell at this boss guy...or punch him.

And then there's the baby we're having this summer.  Oh yeah, have I failed to mention that on the blog yet?  Well, yeah...baby on the way.  It was such a leap of faith for us to move forward with having another baby.  Both emotionally and physically.  So it feels like why were we pushed to take the leap of faith to have things kind of crumble out from under us?

We do have faith - in spite of it all - that things will work out.  But it will probably be hard and messy getting there.  So please have patience with me as I may neglect the blog while we try to figure things out.

Life sure can be difficult at times!