Ben's Funeral

Funeral director, Claire, my mom, Sara and my dad.  Photo courtesy of my cousin, Stephanie.

 Yesterday (Tuesday, February 11, 2013) was Ben's funeral.  It was a very bittersweet day, to say the least. The spirit was overwhelmingly strong, and I felt Ben's arms wrap around me at one point, giving me the strength and comfort I so desperately needed which was so sweet and amazing.

But at the same time, it was incredibly difficult watching them close the casket for the last time, knowing that we would not see him again in our earthly life.

Following the casket out of the church into the hearse and then watching them lay it over his new resting place was also very, very difficult.

Words cannot express how much I will miss Ben.  It's been nearly a week since he passed away now, and it still seems so surreal.  I still expect that it was all just a dream and any moment I will hear from him, or go visit him.

The funeral definitely brought it into reality more though, and today has also been difficult.  As I've heard so many who have lost a sibling/close loved one tell me, "It doesn't really ever get easier" and I don't suspect it will.

Sara's good friend caught this candid moment of Sara saying her final goodbye to Ben, right before they closed the casket.  It just breaks my heart.  Sara is the most incredible, loving, selfless person I have ever met.  She loves Ben more deeply than I have ever seen someone love, and Ben's love for her was the same.  

To honor Ben's love of Jeeping, we had a "Jeep Procession" or "21 Jeep Salute".  So many people showed up in their Jeeps, some without their roof on, in the freezing cold weather.  Luckily, a friend took these following pictures at the cemetery so we had some documentation of it.  This is not all the Jeeps, just the few they happened to get a picture of.  It was amazing standing back and watching the Jeeps roll in.  It was a nice, loud, engine roaring entrance to the cemetery for our sweet Ben, and I know he loved every second of it.

Leading the Jeep procession was my dad, driving Ben's truck and towing Ben's scrambler that he worked so hard on.  I remember him being in so much pain, and not able to do much.  But I would go out in my dad's garage and Ben had somehow climbed up in the back of the scrambler and was slowly and meticulously laying a bed liner.  What he wouldn't do for his fun toys.

Sara is in a bagpipe band, and asked her good friend to come and play while they carried the casket to the grave site.  She also played 'Amazing Grace'...which brought many tears.

Another picture my cousin, Stephanie, captured of Sara and my mom, saying their goodbyes to a boy that deeply impacted their lives.

I know that life will go on, and we will be okay.  

But I also know it will be very hard, and we will miss him every day.

"Grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning." Elder Lance B. Wickman.

I love you Ben!

Made up memory: The Game of Life

Ben was a champion at everything he tried.  Some of his top earning activities were:

-Cheating at Uno

-Building stuff

-Driving stuff

-Teasing his sisters (or was that just me?)

-Burping contests

-Dead legs

-Facial contortions 

-Using his big brown puppy dog eyes to get whatever he wanted from mom and dad...but I'm not bitter or jealous, not at all.  Just that my blue eyes never got the same reaction.  I'm just saying.

But there was one activity that he excelled far above and beyond anybody else.  

And that would be the game of Life.  

And sure, maybe he cheated like crazy, but I think he also just really lucked out.  He landed on every single good space there was, while the rest of us were stuck paying out restitution and junk throughout the board.  He always ended up being a doctor or lawyer, and we'd get the lowly teacher or NO job.  He always landed in the mansion at the end, while we were at the loony bin (or whatever the end was).

And it seems so incredibly fitting now, because he has landed in the ultimate mansion on high after going through his own game of 'Life' perfectly...and here we are, left behind in the 'loony bin', looking up at that mansion wishing we could be with him.

But we've still got more 'Life' to play, and this time - by golly - we're going to JOIN him in that mansion at the end!

'Til We Meet Again...

Absolute Freedom

Today, the world feels a little bit sadder.  The world has said goodbye to an incredible man.

Ben's spirit has returned to Heaven, leaving his cancer invaded body behind.  A body that has held him prisoner for the last two years, and, I'm sure, caused him more than a little frustration.

While I am incredibly sad, and the grief is hard, I am happy for Ben.  Happy that he is free of his suffering.  I imagine he is running, jumping, taking deep breaths, hugging people, and laughing.  All things he hasn't been able to do for quite a while.

I think of his amazing wife, Sara, who sat by his side through so many horrible moments and never wavered. Always a constant caregiver, she is a true example of unconditional and Christlike love.  I will forever be grateful for her loving my brother, and for being a wonderful example to everyone around her.

Ben will be missed beyond words.  Him passing away leaves an enormous gap in my heart that will never be filled.  But I know I will see him again.

God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again.

Made up memory: The Kaiser

I hope that everyone will bear with me as I continue posting about Ben.  It just seems to feel therapeutic in a way.  As I mentioned in the previous blog post, I do not have a good memory, and I HATE that looking back at pictures, I can't really remember what exactly was going on.

But what I lack in memory, I can make up for with imagination.  So, I have this picture that I decided to make up my own memory about.  I am also going to be posting a lot of pictures and "made up memories" for a while, because I love looking at the happy times with Ben.

To begin, however, you must understand something.  Me and Ben didn't always have the most hunky dory relationship growing up.  We were the two middle kids with really strong personalities on either side of us in birth order.  I think this lead to us just not getting along.  We loved each other, sure, but didn't always exactly like each other.  That brings me to my first "Made up memory".

"The Kaiser"

Back in 1997, my dad drove to California for a business trip.  In a moment that was so unusual for our parents, they decided the rest of the family would fly out there to meet him and go to Disneyland!  Here I was...13 years old and about to go to Disneyland for the first time.

It really was magical.  And we had a wonderful time.

After our wonderful Disney vacation, it was time to hit the road and drive back home to Utah as a family.  We were no strangers to long road trips, having a lot of family in Arizona, and we knew what to expect.

We knew that I would get car sick and people would have to move around to accommodate me being in the middle with cold air blowing on my face, that we would stop along the way to see and do things, and that we would play games, laugh...and possibly fight...but that's beside the point.

Somewhere along the way, my dad spotted a Kaiser truck!  It was in great condition, and he couldn't pass up the opportunity to take a closer look.  I was grateful for the opportunity to stop, as I was *this close* to losing my lunch in a Disneyland popcorn bucket.

We pulled off to the side, and I imagine the following occurred:

Dad:  Guys, look at that awesome Kaiser!  We have to go look!
Ben:  Yeah, that's sweet!
Camille:  Yes, get me out of this car!  I don't even care WHAT a Kaiser is, as long as it means I can escape this metal vomit trap!

*We pull over and exit the car*

Dad:  Hey, Camille and Ben, stand there so I can get a picture of you guys.
Camille:  Seriously?  I am on the verge of throwing up and you want a picture...of me...with a Kaiser...and Ben?
Dad:  Yeah, it'll be a good memory!
Ben:  You seriously want me to stand in a picture with pukey over here?  Why does she have to be in the picture and ruin the beautiful opportunity to have me with a Kaiser?
Dad:  Just do it!

So, we obliged.  We couldn't be bothered to actually smile, that would be asking too much.  But we did as dad asked, and thanks to that, we have the lovely picture above.  And my dad was right...it does make a good memory, and I'm glad we have the picture.