Made up memory: A Trip To Remember

L-R: Grandma Ridges, Ben, Me, Emily, Aspen and Mom

In the fall of 1994 we set off on a fun little camping trip with my Grandma Ridges.  (If you look in the picture above, you can see how loving Ben always was to Grandma)

Let's just say we went to...Goblin Valley...because I have no clue where we really were.

We loaded up our nice hand-me-down Suburban with our sweet CJ-7 Jeep in tow, and off we went.

As with all of our camping trips, this one did not go off without a hitch.  In the middle of nowhere, our Suburban decided it no longer wanted to go camping and blew up (or something broke down...I can't really be sure).

We were stranded.

Thankfully, we happened to be stranded at a great camping location, and so we unloaded and set up camp.  Dad took the Jeep into town (somewhere very far away) for parts he needed to repair the Suburban.  But because of past experience, we knew he'd handle it and so we wasted no time and got right to exploring.

Me, Aspen, Ben and Emily

  As we were hiking around, I somehow managed to smash my finger pretty good.  Ben (and Aspen too...but these stories are mostly about Ben, sorry Aspen) was worried that it might have been broken, and - unlike how he usually treated me - was trying to help me down from our hike to get back to camp for some first-aid from mom and Grandma (I'm sure Grandma was completely bummed that she couldn't go on our hike with us.  She always wanted to be part of the action).

Ben asked me if I could move my finger.  Through tears, I squeaked out a "No."

Emily - being a sweet younger sister - walked over to me, grabbed my finger and shook it saying, "Yes you can, see?!"

Ben (and Aspen) was horrified...but then just about fell over laughing.

Obviously my finger would survive, because Emily's violent shake hadn't ripped it off.

Dad returned from getting parts, fixed the Suburban and it was then time to explore some more.  We drove up a cool rock formation, and dad wanted to take a good photo opportunity.  Having heard somewhere that pictures are better with people in them (and the fact that there are about 15,000 pictures of the Jeep by itself) he decided he better get someone in there.

Looking around, he found the closest two victims.  Me and Ben (and our dog Gabby).  So we hopped in the picture to document a great trip.

I'm rockin' that outfit!

And honestly, even though I'm sure me and Ben fought and bickered much of the time, I can't remember any of it.  I just remember that Ben was awesome, and some day I wanted to be just like him. 

Fearless, adventurous...and secretly super nice.

Promise Me...

In the last couple years of his life, Ben became an even softer, kinder man.  He was always sweet and kind, but he became more vocal about it.  

Ben was my biggest fan at times.  And I really missed having my cheerleader in my corner this weekend. 

Whenever I would go visit Ben, he always wanted to know how me and Marty were doing.  He was always sure to tell me how proud he was of me, and how he thought I was doing such a good job with life (he was more specific...but I don't want to go into it on here).  He always pointed out that Marty and I have overcome some difficult things and that he is so proud of the hard work we have put in to be where we are now.  

Ben would also caution me, and made me promise him that I would take things slow in life.  Not to rush into things just because I was feeling antsy.  He wanted to make sure that we would not repeat any past mistakes.  

I so badly wanted to call or text him on Saturday to tell him that we moved another step closer to reaching our goals.  I knew he would be so excited for us and would be as enthusiastic as I was feeling.

I know he is still excited for me, and probably knows what's going on better than I do in my own life now.  But I just wanted to see his face, his little smirk and hear him say "I'm really proud of you."

I miss him.

I thought it would get easier as the days went on, but as of now it seems to get harder each day.

My sister, Aspen, spoke at Ben's funeral.  She read off these promises Ben wanted her to make.  We are all trying to adopt them into our lives.

-Promise me you'll spend time as a family with your children.

-Promise me you'll not let excuses get in the way of the people in your life.

-Promise me you'll take tons of pictures of your kids.

-Promise me you'll be a patient and kind mother and wife.

-Promise me you'll continue to love and include Sara.

-Promise me you'll be slow to be offended or frustrated by family members.  Allow them to feel how they want to feel.  Understand that in the coming weeks they may say things in sadness or anger that they normally wouldn't.  Forgive them for it and be patient.

-Promise me that you will never forget that you are living the dream.  Don't take for granted the fact that you have good health, that you have beautiful and healthy children and that you have a long future ahead of you.  Make good use of it.

I hope I continue to make Ben proud as he watches me from above.

Made up memory: The Beast

*Made up memory is going to become a weekly installment for a while.  It has been so fun and therapeutic.  Many of the facts in the stories are true...they aren't completely made up.*

In 1996, Ben was just about to turn 16.  As most teenage boys, he was thrilled with the prospect of getting his own car, and being able to cruise around on the hunt for chicks (or whatever teenage boys cruise around for. Tacos maybe?).

Most boys would start begging their parents for the coolest new car they could manage.  But Ben?  Not so much.  Instead, Ben began the process of buying something junky (motorcycle, three-wheeler, lawn mower), fixing it up and selling it for a profit, then buying something a step higher until at last, he acquired a car.

What once was - I'm sure - a lovely Jeep Wagoneer became this boy's new toy.  The Wagoneer was in rough shape when Ben bought it with his hard earned money.  I can't imagine he spent more than a few hundred dollars on it.

So rather than restore it to it's original glory, he went at it with a hack saw, cutting the rusted old body away, and unleashing what became known as "The Beast"!

Now, Ben was not of legal age to be driving this machine...but the machine really wasn't legal for anyone to drive, regardless of their age.  We would tow that sucker up to the mountains and Ben was free to explore and do whatever he wanted.  Can you imagine the freedom a 15 year old boy must have experienced?

Riding in The Beast was a tricky thing that should have been turned into an Olympic sporting event.  If you didn't enter or exit the vehicle just right, you ran the risk of receiving a third degree burn on the engine, or a cut from the jagged metal that would go straight to the bone.  Plus, if you weren't holding on tight (because I don't recall seatbelts...safety wasn't exactly a priority in The Beast) you could run the risk of flying out the side going around a big turn, or over a big bump.

It. Was. AWESOME!

The seats, however, were original.  The crowning glory.

I don't recall how long The Beast was at our house.  But when Ben discovered he could piece it out and sell the parts, I'm sure he quickly moved up to the next, bigger, better project.

But The Beast will live on in infamy forever.

Ben's Funeral

Funeral director, Claire, my mom, Sara and my dad.  Photo courtesy of my cousin, Stephanie.

 Yesterday (Tuesday, February 11, 2013) was Ben's funeral.  It was a very bittersweet day, to say the least. The spirit was overwhelmingly strong, and I felt Ben's arms wrap around me at one point, giving me the strength and comfort I so desperately needed which was so sweet and amazing.

But at the same time, it was incredibly difficult watching them close the casket for the last time, knowing that we would not see him again in our earthly life.

Following the casket out of the church into the hearse and then watching them lay it over his new resting place was also very, very difficult.

Words cannot express how much I will miss Ben.  It's been nearly a week since he passed away now, and it still seems so surreal.  I still expect that it was all just a dream and any moment I will hear from him, or go visit him.

The funeral definitely brought it into reality more though, and today has also been difficult.  As I've heard so many who have lost a sibling/close loved one tell me, "It doesn't really ever get easier" and I don't suspect it will.

Sara's good friend caught this candid moment of Sara saying her final goodbye to Ben, right before they closed the casket.  It just breaks my heart.  Sara is the most incredible, loving, selfless person I have ever met.  She loves Ben more deeply than I have ever seen someone love, and Ben's love for her was the same.  

To honor Ben's love of Jeeping, we had a "Jeep Procession" or "21 Jeep Salute".  So many people showed up in their Jeeps, some without their roof on, in the freezing cold weather.  Luckily, a friend took these following pictures at the cemetery so we had some documentation of it.  This is not all the Jeeps, just the few they happened to get a picture of.  It was amazing standing back and watching the Jeeps roll in.  It was a nice, loud, engine roaring entrance to the cemetery for our sweet Ben, and I know he loved every second of it.

Leading the Jeep procession was my dad, driving Ben's truck and towing Ben's scrambler that he worked so hard on.  I remember him being in so much pain, and not able to do much.  But I would go out in my dad's garage and Ben had somehow climbed up in the back of the scrambler and was slowly and meticulously laying a bed liner.  What he wouldn't do for his fun toys.

Sara is in a bagpipe band, and asked her good friend to come and play while they carried the casket to the grave site.  She also played 'Amazing Grace'...which brought many tears.

Another picture my cousin, Stephanie, captured of Sara and my mom, saying their goodbyes to a boy that deeply impacted their lives.

I know that life will go on, and we will be okay.  

But I also know it will be very hard, and we will miss him every day.

"Grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning." Elder Lance B. Wickman.

I love you Ben!