Made up memory: The Game of Life

Ben was a champion at everything he tried.  Some of his top earning activities were:

-Cheating at Uno

-Building stuff

-Driving stuff

-Teasing his sisters (or was that just me?)

-Burping contests

-Dead legs

-Facial contortions 

-Using his big brown puppy dog eyes to get whatever he wanted from mom and dad...but I'm not bitter or jealous, not at all.  Just that my blue eyes never got the same reaction.  I'm just saying.

But there was one activity that he excelled far above and beyond anybody else.  

And that would be the game of Life.  

And sure, maybe he cheated like crazy, but I think he also just really lucked out.  He landed on every single good space there was, while the rest of us were stuck paying out restitution and junk throughout the board.  He always ended up being a doctor or lawyer, and we'd get the lowly teacher or NO job.  He always landed in the mansion at the end, while we were at the loony bin (or whatever the end was).

And it seems so incredibly fitting now, because he has landed in the ultimate mansion on high after going through his own game of 'Life' perfectly...and here we are, left behind in the 'loony bin', looking up at that mansion wishing we could be with him.

But we've still got more 'Life' to play, and this time - by golly - we're going to JOIN him in that mansion at the end!

'Til We Meet Again...

Absolute Freedom

Today, the world feels a little bit sadder.  The world has said goodbye to an incredible man.

Ben's spirit has returned to Heaven, leaving his cancer invaded body behind.  A body that has held him prisoner for the last two years, and, I'm sure, caused him more than a little frustration.

While I am incredibly sad, and the grief is hard, I am happy for Ben.  Happy that he is free of his suffering.  I imagine he is running, jumping, taking deep breaths, hugging people, and laughing.  All things he hasn't been able to do for quite a while.

I think of his amazing wife, Sara, who sat by his side through so many horrible moments and never wavered. Always a constant caregiver, she is a true example of unconditional and Christlike love.  I will forever be grateful for her loving my brother, and for being a wonderful example to everyone around her.

Ben will be missed beyond words.  Him passing away leaves an enormous gap in my heart that will never be filled.  But I know I will see him again.

God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again.

Made up memory: The Kaiser

I hope that everyone will bear with me as I continue posting about Ben.  It just seems to feel therapeutic in a way.  As I mentioned in the previous blog post, I do not have a good memory, and I HATE that looking back at pictures, I can't really remember what exactly was going on.

But what I lack in memory, I can make up for with imagination.  So, I have this picture that I decided to make up my own memory about.  I am also going to be posting a lot of pictures and "made up memories" for a while, because I love looking at the happy times with Ben.

To begin, however, you must understand something.  Me and Ben didn't always have the most hunky dory relationship growing up.  We were the two middle kids with really strong personalities on either side of us in birth order.  I think this lead to us just not getting along.  We loved each other, sure, but didn't always exactly like each other.  That brings me to my first "Made up memory".

"The Kaiser"

Back in 1997, my dad drove to California for a business trip.  In a moment that was so unusual for our parents, they decided the rest of the family would fly out there to meet him and go to Disneyland!  Here I was...13 years old and about to go to Disneyland for the first time.

It really was magical.  And we had a wonderful time.

After our wonderful Disney vacation, it was time to hit the road and drive back home to Utah as a family.  We were no strangers to long road trips, having a lot of family in Arizona, and we knew what to expect.

We knew that I would get car sick and people would have to move around to accommodate me being in the middle with cold air blowing on my face, that we would stop along the way to see and do things, and that we would play games, laugh...and possibly fight...but that's beside the point.

Somewhere along the way, my dad spotted a Kaiser truck!  It was in great condition, and he couldn't pass up the opportunity to take a closer look.  I was grateful for the opportunity to stop, as I was *this close* to losing my lunch in a Disneyland popcorn bucket.

We pulled off to the side, and I imagine the following occurred:

Dad:  Guys, look at that awesome Kaiser!  We have to go look!
Ben:  Yeah, that's sweet!
Camille:  Yes, get me out of this car!  I don't even care WHAT a Kaiser is, as long as it means I can escape this metal vomit trap!

*We pull over and exit the car*

Dad:  Hey, Camille and Ben, stand there so I can get a picture of you guys.
Camille:  Seriously?  I am on the verge of throwing up and you want a picture...of me...with a Kaiser...and Ben?
Dad:  Yeah, it'll be a good memory!
Ben:  You seriously want me to stand in a picture with pukey over here?  Why does she have to be in the picture and ruin the beautiful opportunity to have me with a Kaiser?
Dad:  Just do it!

So, we obliged.  We couldn't be bothered to actually smile, that would be asking too much.  But we did as dad asked, and thanks to that, we have the lovely picture above.  And my dad was right...it does make a good memory, and I'm glad we have the picture.

Walk Down Memory Lane

Things have been very tender and emotional for me as of late.  As we continue to watch our sweet Ben slowly coming to the end of his life, it is just hard.  We are praying that he will be released quickly, and are just trying to trust in the will of the Lord, but some days that is really hard.

I could talk about how incredibly difficult it is to go see Ben in his current state, to see him suffering.  But it is so, deeply painful that the image makes me feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and I can't quite catch my breath.

I made the mistake today of sitting down to play the piano for some "therapy".  (Piano - for me - is the best therapist around).  The problem was that I found myself playing hymn arrangements, and pretty soon came to a medley of "God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again" and "He is Risen".  Needless to say I cried all the way through...I really should have skipped it, but I just couldn't.  As I imagine seeing Ben again "at Jesus' feet", without the affliction of his earthly prison of a body, it both makes me happy for him, and very sad for myself.  We are ready to say goodbye, because we are ready to see him free of his pain.  But at the same time, I can't really quite come to grips with the heaviness of not having him around for the rest of my earthly life, or my kids not getting to really know him.

So, I wanted to think about some good times we've had, so excuse my little walk down memory lane.  I am, unfortunately, cursed with a really bad memory.  But these are a few things I do remember.

• Ben taught me how to dump out a cereal box into a giant mixing bowl in order to find the prize at the bottom, and then get the cereal back into the bag without mom ever knowing.
• Ben gave me my first piercing when we were on a family fishing trip.  He went to cast his line and instead, caught my earlobe.  The hook went straight through.  He ran off into the woods while my dad worked to get the hook out (I was 5, he would have been about 8).  At the time I thought he was just mean until later down the road Aspen told me he had gone off to the woods because he felt so bad.
• Ben, having 3 sisters, would try to play Barbies with us by using his constructs to build wagons.  We always played pioneers with the Barbies so he could play the horses and "Kenny" and be the wagon builder.
• Ben was always asking for and bringing home animals.  We had fish, salamanders, frogs, guinea pigs (which had babies) rats, mice, hamsters, gerbils, parakeets, dogs and cats.  Somehow he ALWAYS knew of someone who had puppies or kittens and was able to get mom and dad to let us have one.  He also somehow made friends with neighbors who had horses and we were able to go riding a lot because of him.  One time we caught a snake out in the back yard and Ben wanted to give it something to eat.  So we went to the garden center that also sold small animals to buy a mouse.  He convinced me to use my money to buy a little white mouse for the snake to eat.  We put the mouse in the box with the snake and waited.  Nothing happened.  I quickly grew upset and no longer wanted the mouse to be the snake's food.  Ben agreed and we ended up keeping the mouse as a pet and letting the snake go.
• There was always an adventure to be had with Ben around.  We were always hiking to Turtle Rock, the waterfall or salamander pond.  I remember he started building a tree house in the mountains and let us tag along with him.  I'm sure we annoyed him, but we thought it was so awesome that our brother was so "resourceful".
• He also always had something with a motor he was fixing or building.  It started out small with little motorcycles, go-carts and three-wheelers.  But pretty soon he was building Jeeps and cars with my dad.  I remember how incredibly awesome and proud I felt driving around in his big Bronco with him.
• One time we were on a family vacation in Moab, and for some reason Ben and I were going to head home the night before the rest of the family.  I can't remember why, but I was supposed to ride with him to keep him awake.  I remember trying SO HARD to stay awake.  The next thing I knew, I woke up and we had been driving for a good hour or more.  Ben just laughed at me and told me I wasn't doing such a good job at keeping him company. 

There are so many more memories....but it really boils down to this:  Life with Ben has been great.  I will miss him more than words could ever convey.  But I know he will be okay, and we will be okay.  And I know that someday, I will get to see him again "At Jesus' Feet".