I keep finding myself at a complete loss as to how to console my children and comfort them when all they want is their daddy. 
For the past two nights one, if not both, of the girls have cried for their daddy, rather it was after bath time, during night time routine or even in the middle of the night. Claire had a good solid week of crying for Marty just after he left but has since settled down a little bit.
However, now Brielle - who had been going along all hunky dory, because she's my go with the flow girl - is starting to say a lot more about missing him.
After giving them a bath the other day, I had them in their towels and Brielle started crying for daddy, wanting to know why daddy isn't here to dry her and get her in her pajamas before bed. She just wants daddy to be there to rock her to sleep and sing her a song. It tears my heart out knowing that even though I'm here for them, there is no way I can give them what Marty does.
Claire has now started telling me that everything around her is "my daddy's". From the cars we pass on the road, to the clothes we see at the store. Somehow she thinks of daddy in everything around her. Not that I don't do the same.
Today was the kicker though. After a fun afternoon out playing with our cousins we were on our way home. We drove past a bowling alley and Brielle asked if we could go bowling. I told her not that day. She asked why we went with daddy a while ago and I just casually answered that it was because bowling with daddy is fun. She started crying and said she wanted to go bowling with daddy again. I told her that when we see him, we can most definitely go bowling. She then, with tears in her eyes, said "but we're never going to see daddy again!" I assured her we would but no matter what my answer and explanation was, it was too many days, too long and she wanted him now.
Then at dinner tonight, Brielle was eating quietly and looked at me and said, "I'm ready for daddy to come home now, I want to be a family again." All I could say was, "I know, Brielle, me too."
I don't know what to do for her. I feel terrible that normally I can give her what she needs but in this case, the one thing she wants I cannot provide. The best I can do is play video's of Marty, read her the letters he's written and assure her that he loves her and we will see him soon.
I'm doing my best to keep busy for them and myself, but some days I don't want to do anything. I have a very hard time finding the motivation to just maintain the normal day to day things like dishes, laundry and straightening up because I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I feel like in a way I am failing my children because I really want to keep things moving like they were before Marty left, but that just seems impossible for me at times.
I'm not an independent person, I never have been, I never will be. I have always heavily relied on Marty, not to take care of our house, but I have relied on him emotionally and physically to keep me going. I don't know where to get that push, that energy and motivation from like he always did for me.
For now I'm going to just start working on NOT talking about Marty like he's dead. I keep saying things like, "That WAS Marty's favorite" or "Marty USED to love that". He's not gone forever, this is temporary. He will be the same person when we are back together and we will move on with our lives and look back at all of this as a very minor bump in our road of life.
All in all, I'm actually doing fine - hard to believe after this post. Most days are pretty good but the last couple have been very hard for some reason. I'm not sure if it's because we just got back from a trip and I was overwhelmed with the responsibilities ahead of me as I walked in the door. I'm not sure if it's because my girls seem to be having a harder time the last few days with missing him. I'm not sure if it's just pregnancy hormones. Whatever it is, the last couple days have basically sucked (sorry mom, that's the best word I have to describe it).
So tomorrow I have to just start moving ahead, find the motivation from somewhere inside and just get moving!
In case you were wondering, writing is my way to express my feelings at a certain moment. Please do not mistake my getting my feelings out through writing as a cry for help :)
For the past two nights one, if not both, of the girls have cried for their daddy, rather it was after bath time, during night time routine or even in the middle of the night. Claire had a good solid week of crying for Marty just after he left but has since settled down a little bit.
However, now Brielle - who had been going along all hunky dory, because she's my go with the flow girl - is starting to say a lot more about missing him.
After giving them a bath the other day, I had them in their towels and Brielle started crying for daddy, wanting to know why daddy isn't here to dry her and get her in her pajamas before bed. She just wants daddy to be there to rock her to sleep and sing her a song. It tears my heart out knowing that even though I'm here for them, there is no way I can give them what Marty does.
Claire has now started telling me that everything around her is "my daddy's". From the cars we pass on the road, to the clothes we see at the store. Somehow she thinks of daddy in everything around her. Not that I don't do the same.
Today was the kicker though. After a fun afternoon out playing with our cousins we were on our way home. We drove past a bowling alley and Brielle asked if we could go bowling. I told her not that day. She asked why we went with daddy a while ago and I just casually answered that it was because bowling with daddy is fun. She started crying and said she wanted to go bowling with daddy again. I told her that when we see him, we can most definitely go bowling. She then, with tears in her eyes, said "but we're never going to see daddy again!" I assured her we would but no matter what my answer and explanation was, it was too many days, too long and she wanted him now.
Then at dinner tonight, Brielle was eating quietly and looked at me and said, "I'm ready for daddy to come home now, I want to be a family again." All I could say was, "I know, Brielle, me too."
I don't know what to do for her. I feel terrible that normally I can give her what she needs but in this case, the one thing she wants I cannot provide. The best I can do is play video's of Marty, read her the letters he's written and assure her that he loves her and we will see him soon.
I'm doing my best to keep busy for them and myself, but some days I don't want to do anything. I have a very hard time finding the motivation to just maintain the normal day to day things like dishes, laundry and straightening up because I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I feel like in a way I am failing my children because I really want to keep things moving like they were before Marty left, but that just seems impossible for me at times.
I'm not an independent person, I never have been, I never will be. I have always heavily relied on Marty, not to take care of our house, but I have relied on him emotionally and physically to keep me going. I don't know where to get that push, that energy and motivation from like he always did for me.
For now I'm going to just start working on NOT talking about Marty like he's dead. I keep saying things like, "That WAS Marty's favorite" or "Marty USED to love that". He's not gone forever, this is temporary. He will be the same person when we are back together and we will move on with our lives and look back at all of this as a very minor bump in our road of life.
All in all, I'm actually doing fine - hard to believe after this post. Most days are pretty good but the last couple have been very hard for some reason. I'm not sure if it's because we just got back from a trip and I was overwhelmed with the responsibilities ahead of me as I walked in the door. I'm not sure if it's because my girls seem to be having a harder time the last few days with missing him. I'm not sure if it's just pregnancy hormones. Whatever it is, the last couple days have basically sucked (sorry mom, that's the best word I have to describe it).
So tomorrow I have to just start moving ahead, find the motivation from somewhere inside and just get moving!
In case you were wondering, writing is my way to express my feelings at a certain moment. Please do not mistake my getting my feelings out through writing as a cry for help :)
5 comments:
Their feelings are a great tribute to the wonderful daddy that they have! How much longer until he's back?
I'm so sorry! I can't imagine. I hope the time goes by quickly for you.
Gosh, you are such a strong woman, even to get up in the morning. Don't ever think that you are failing your kids, you are an even better mom for sacrificing for the greater good of your family. Do you have a calender or something that Brielle can put stickers on to mark off the days until Marty comes home? Maybe if she can get excited about that and be able to physically see how much longer and how far you've come it will help.
I can't imagine the feelings you are having. I am thinking of you and I hope that time will fly by. Marty is a good daddy you can tell by how much yo and the kids miss him. :)
You are amazing to be without your husband for so long! Trevor was gone for two weeks and it was rough. Single parenthood isn't easy. Keep it up!
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