Escape to Pine Valley

Since we had been kind of jerky and kept to ourselves for the 4th, Emily and I decided we should probably at least try to do something together this week...since we live by each other and all.  So, Emily asked if we'd like to head up to Pine Valley to roast hot dogs and s'mores last night.  She also lured us in by telling me it would be a good 15-20 degrees cooler up there.  So we packed up food, chairs and games and off we went.

Here are the pictures from our lovely evening in the mountains.

Watching Dave get the fire going to start our roasting

 Having FUN 

Molly sat in the dirt and would pick up a hand full and let it slowly fall out of her hands. 

Brielle and Brooklyn enjoying a rousing game of badminton

Addison was in super hero mode with this cape that came with her camp chair.  She made me pretend to be stuck in the trees so she could save me.

Claire digging

The tent pad made for a great sandbox for the kids to play in

Molly and Kennedy were buddies, "hiking" around and playing together as well.

Posing on rocks...seems to be the cool thing to do.  (Claire was off digging in the dirt)

They discovered the "mini woods" and ran around there for a while.

Brielle actually stopped and smiled for the camera...a rare occurrence.

Claire being Claire.

Dave sent the kids off to see who could find the biggest pine cone.  Brielle and Claire were comparing theirs...

Uncle Dave had to step in to be the official judge...I actually don't remember who had the bigger pine cone though.

*Side note*

When we first pulled up, Addison looked out the window and yelled, "Look, coconuts!"  I told her they were actually pine cones.  Apparently we aren't spending enough time out in nature.

*Back to pictures*

We got dinner started.

Molly couldn't get herself back all the way in her chair, so she'd sit like this until someone rescued her and scooted her back.

After dinner we went off on a little walk to see the reservoir.

It was SO beautiful!

Emily suggested a game of leap frog...

Brooklyn and Brielle tried...

But they quickly kicked Emily out of the game and played just themselves.

Climbing "the biggest rock in the whole universe" (according to Brielle)

Then it was back to "camp" for the s'mores (and watermelon)

I put the camera away as we did s'mores, because I was covered in marshmallow...but they were also fun and delicious.

The weather was PERFECT and nobody wanted to leave.  We all wished we had brought camping gear to just stay the night.  

But alas, we didn't.  

And with babies and bed time, we cleared out before 9:00 p.m. to head home.  

New goal: Buy a cabin in Pine Valley.

More realistic goal: Get setup to camp more - either with gear or an inexpensive tent trailer.

It was such a great evening!  Thanks to Emily and Dave for inviting us and introducing us to this great place!

Happy Independence Day!

Shifting back into happy life gear, we enjoyed a nice 4th of July today at home as a little family.

And it was super great.

My sister - Emily - kept offering us to go do fun stuff with them.  A parade, possibly exploring in the mountains to escape the heat etc., but I was a huge jerk and turned her down.

We aren't morning people - so no parade (they started at 8:30 a.m. here!  As a matter of fact, it was Emily's text message with a picture of her kids waiting at the parade that woke me up...)

We didn't want to hold them back in their exploring - so no mountains with them

And we just purchased a freaking sweet deal of a swimming pool - so we didn't want to escape the heat.

Here is a re-cap of our day.

The girls all ready to hit the pool.

We spent two and a half hours doing this:

Molly had already gone in for her nap...so the yellow tube was just holding toys. at this point.

We came in for lunch and a little quiet time, and Addison did this:

I then put the girls to work getting the corn on the cob ready for our BBQ.

After our yummy dinner, it was time to hit the pool again

I asked the girls to all get together so I could take a group picture.  

That went like this:

 After we were done swimming, we got cleaned up and put on pajamas for some fireworks.  We're lucky enough to not be in the restricted firework area, so we got to do it in the comfort of our own driveway.  Plus I didn't have to do anyone's hair or care at all about what they were wearing...obviously.

 It was a great holiday spent together.  We are sure blessed with a great little family...although we missed the bigger celebrations with the whole extended family, it's nice to have time to ourselves to make fun memories as well.

The Grieving Process

Let's just get real and honest here.  Put it all out there in the open.  It's been almost 5 months since Ben passed away....and I'm still waiting for the grieving to ease up.  I feel like it has slowly gotten harder rather than easier.  My sister mentioned that she heard that unaffected people will give you a month to grieve, and then expect you to move on.  

How is that even possible?

Right now I am in a place where it is almost painful to see pictures of Ben, to hear stories of Ben, or to think about him.  I avoid interactions with people that I know will lead to questions about him, or wanting to reminisce.  When I'm going through pictures on my computer, organizing them and happen across ones of him it immediately puts a lump in my throat and I have to fight back the tears.  When I'm randomly scrolling through pictures on Facebook and happen across one of him, I have to quickly click away.

It seems that it's gotten especially harder since moving down to St. George.

I was texting my sister, and in kind of "talking" it out with her, I think what is hard is that we left my comfort zone in the middle of grieving.  

Living up in Centerville, most everyone knew what was going on in my life.  Everyone I interacted with knew Ben, or knew that I had lost my brother.  I was surrounded by family.  While I didn't necessarily want or need everyone asking how I was doing, there was comfort knowing they all had an idea what was going on in my life, and were very understanding.  They gave me the space I needed, and never questioned why I couldn't come to things, or why I had been in my pajamas for a week without leaving the house.

Here, nobody knows.  And I thought that would be nice, a clean break, a fresh start, no baggage.  But at the same time when I was getting teary in Relief Society for no reason in my new ward, it would have been nice for people to understand rather than wonder what's up with the new weird girl in the corner.

I thought things would get easier, but right now I have at least 2 major "grief bursts" a week.  Full on hyperventilating, sobbing fits.  Why?  I know he is in a better place, I know he is free of pain and so much happier.  I know there are reasons for things, and I know that he was needed for something much greater. 

But somehow, that just doesn't always help.

My most embarrassing grief burst happened on my way to a girl's trip with sister-in-laws.  They were having a completely innocent conversation...but it triggered my feelings and before I knew it, I was sobbing in the front seat of the car...feeling SO INCREDIBLY STUPID.  I couldn't control it, and wished I could pull it together.  They were kind, and tried to apologize for not remembering that what they were talking about was my constant reality.  But I didn't want them to feel sorry, or feel bad, I wanted them to feel comfortable talking about anything around me, not having to worry about what they say.

I don't know how to really explain it.  Maybe it's that it is finally really settling in and feeling real.  The surrealness of the whole ordeal and situation with his battle with cancer and passing away is finally feeling concrete.

And I don't want it to.

I want to still feel like it's all just a bad dream and tomorrow he will be around again to tease and text his one word answers.

I still have texts from him saved on my phone.  And sometimes I read through them, my big long winded texts with his simple "yep" and "ok" responses.  But what I wouldn't give to have another one of those.  The last text I got from him was one week before he passed away.  And I knew that his simple text of "yep" took effort on his part.  And it meant a lot that he even took the time to acknowledge me.

I have been trying to stay really busy and upbeat.  If you haven't noticed. (All the decorating, painting, puppy buying, building stuff, trying to never sit down long enough to think.)

Because lately every time I slow down, my thoughts drift to Ben and I just feel...sad, and sometimes angry.  And I don't like feeling that way.

I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy the small things in life.  And usually I'm successful and we are happy.  

But sometimes, that grief sneaks in out of nowhere and hits like a ton of bricks.

Bigger Girls Bedroom...the smaller bedroom

I LOVE this room people.  Seriously.

There isn't much to say, the pictures will do all the talking.  We (well...actually my sister Emily and her wonderful husband Dave) painted over the super dark paint and started with a fresh, white, blank slate.

SO...here we go!

Before:

After:

 

It looks SO MUCH BIGGER with that dark paint gone.  The only things I added or changed in this room was I spray painted the book shelves and dressers (I don't really have any before pictures...the dressers were white and the book shelves were two different colors of wood), and did the stencil on the walls (the girls wanted to help, so there are some smudges and places the paint went out of the lines...but really only I notice it.  And now you would too if you came to my house because you'd know to look for it.)  Everything else we already had.

And there you have it.  In the last picture, that little door on the right side is a pocket door into a bathroom, makes it pretty convenient for them.  They love their room and are constantly in there playing and reading.  It's the perfect room for the older girls.