Made up memory: Christmas Mornings

Ben, me, and Aspen holding Emily

Christmas mornings were always full of excitement - as they are in every house.  

The excitement would begin bright and early, usually around 3:00 a.m.  Ben was always the most excited, and would quietly wake us up and whisper "Do you think mom and dad will let us get up now?"  

We would send Ben off to ask mom and dad...because we knew they would probably say no, but always hoped that Ben's charm would convince them otherwise.

But he always came back disappointed.

4:00 a.m.:  "Do you think it's time now?"

Off he went to ask the parents, just to be sent back to bed.

5:00 a.m. "I really think they'll let us get up now!"

But he was wrong.  They still wanted more sleep.

So, Ben - being the ultimate master of sneak - hatched a plan.  He would quietly go into the living room to see what Santa had brought, and report back to us.  That way the waiting would be a little easier.

He would come back with his report:  "I saw a bike/giant doll house/cabbage patch kids!" and we would sit and whisper and giggle, all squished in one bedroom (even when we had our own) watching the seconds tick away on the clock until we got the go ahead from mom and dad.

Mom always made us pose at the stairs for a picture before "letting us see the presents."

Aspen, Ben, Me, Emily

We would oblige and pause for the picture, all the while exchanging sneaky glances because Ben had already told us what we were getting.

But mom and dad were none the wiser.

As Ben got older, he tried to act too cool for Christmas, and he would tell us on Christmas Eve to not wake him up, because he wasn't excited and wanted to sleep in.

But sure enough, at 4:00 a.m., Ben would come into our rooms...too excited to sleep...to recruit us to go with him to wake up mom and dad.

And one year, after all the years of begging and pleading, it had finally paid off.  They let us just get up at 4:00.

Even though I'm an adult, I still feel that same intense excitement on Christmas Eve that Ben had, and instilled in the rest of us.  

And I find myself waking up at 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 anxiously waiting for the little pitter patter of feet to come wake me up and say:

"Do you think it's time now?"

Made up memory: Uncle Teasy Pants

Giving Brielle a ride on a nature walk with the family

Ben had a particularly sweet soft spot for the grandkids.  Many times as he was getting closer and closer to passing he would ask specifically about the kids.  He wanted to know how they were doing, what they were up to, and loved hearing any story we could tell him about their antics.  He texted me one time telling me how much he was going to miss the grandkids, and miss watching them grow up, and just how amazing they were to him.

Ben loved visits from the grandkids just as much as they loved going to see him.

All 10 of them had him wrapped around their fingers.  And although the youngest babies didn't get to spend much time with him before he was too sick to do much, he loved them as well.

Poking Brielle and messing with her chair

Ben is - STILL - known and referred to as "Uncle Teasy Pants" around here.  He was constantly poking, bugging, tugging hair, and nudging the kids, he loved to get a reaction out of them.  Almost daily I hear Addison say, "I miss Uncle Teasy Pants.  I so sad he died."  It's heart breaking, but also so wonderful that he made such a big impression on all the kids.

At Sara's concert in the park, he kept tapping the bottom of Claire's chair, and would feign innocence when she would turn around.  Claire talks about this all the time.

Having a conversation with niece Cadence

 One day in particular, Ben was teasing my girls.  Somehow Claire - being a bit clumsy - tripped over Ben's foot and bonked her head on something.  She started crying, and you could instantly see Ben felt bad.  So - despite the pain he was in - Ben had Claire climb up on his lap to console her.

Addison didn't want to be left out and climbed up too.

It seems like a simple thing, having your nieces sit on your lap.  But for Ben, it was probably very painful as his tumors were growing and causing him a lot of pain.  He never let the kids see that he was in pain though.  

They will always remember him as their fun, silly, "Uncle Teasy Pants" who they love, adore, and miss greatly.  He is one of a kind.

Spreading the word/Sharing the love

My sweet cousin's husband has a brain tumor and will be having surgery next month to remove it.  I am sharing this information to help this sweet family.

My cousin, Sheri Wiseman, is an AMAZINGLY talented artist and is selling her paintings to help raise money for the upcoming medical costs. Please keep these amazing people in your thoughts and prayers. I've seen firsthand how generous and kind people are, and am hoping this kindness can continue to be passed on to the Wiseman family now.

Tyler wrote:
On April 17th I will have surgery done to remove a large tumor in my head known as a vestibular schwannoma or in a previous post called an acoustic neuroma (99% of the time benign). The surgery will last around 5 hours if all goes well, and the hospital stay will be close to 5 days. During the surgery they will be severing the vestibular nerve that the tumor is wrapped around. Because of the severance I will lose complete hearing in my right ear and the balance center on my right side will no longer work. Recovery time will be 6 to 8 weeks during which I will be relearning to balance myself using only my left side balance center.
Recently I went in for a routine hearing test, and it was recommended that a MRI be performed to rule out the type of tumor that the MRI confirmed. The surgery itself will cost close to $80,000. Thank goodness we have insurance, but we still do not know what our out of pocket expenses will be. Because of the costs associated with the procedure my wife has been painting like a mad woman, and will be having a silent auction to raise money to help pay for the hospital bills (detail will be available soon). If you would like to purchase a painting prior to the event feel free. http://sheriwiseman.etsy.com/ We have also set up a link to a PayPal™ account in my wife’s blog where people can donate if they wish. http://www.sheriwiseman.blogspot.com/ Thank you all for you love and support.

A new found understanding

A couple years ago, I followed a blog of a lovely young family, living an adventurous life in a city far away from mine.  I enjoyed seeing how they balanced a hectic work schedule with raising a family and also all the traveling to see historical sites they did.

The writer of the blog then had a close family member pass away.

I felt the pain and sadness come through as they began writing about the passing of their loved one.  I felt bad, and also enjoyed reading their personal posts reminiscing about this person they held dear.

But the posts never shifted back to their life before.  They continued to focus on the family member who had passed.  And me - in my super empathetic way - got a little tired of reading it.  I missed the old posts, mostly because I didn't personally know them and also didn't personally know the person they had lost.  I stopped reading the blog.

And here I am, just over a month after my older brother passing away, and my blog is completely about him.  There is a slight pang of guilt over not being more sympathetic to this blogger who was going through a difficult time...and also an understanding as to why the blog remained focused on their loved one.

At times, Ben is all I think about.

Yes, life is moving on, we go and do things as a family, the kids are still funny, crazy and cute, I am able to be happy and have fun...but when I go to sit down at the computer, Ben is all I think about and all I feel like writing about.  Because he is on my mind all the time.

So I am here, unnecessarily apologizing to anyone who may feel the way I did a couple years ago reading the aforementioned blog.

Ben was a big part of my life, and some days are really bumpy trying to grasp the concept that he is gone.

I had a "grief burst" last night.  I had been doing pretty good, and then I had a project I needed help with and thought "I'll call Ben.  He'd know how to do it or be able to tell me who could."

It was in that moment I had to stop myself and realize that wasn't an option.

And while it makes it sound like I miss him because he can't do a favor for me, it's so much more than that.

I miss everything about him.

And I cried and cried, wondering - again - why did my brother have to die?  Why couldn't he be spared and still be here in my life?

In the end, I still know there is a plan and I know that he is so much better off now.

But the sting of emotion doesn't go away, even with that knowledge.

Some days, you just want your big brother.  And that is what is going to be the most difficult thing of all.

Not the big holidays and events...but the little day to day things.