A Dream of Ben

The other night, I had a wonderful dream with Ben in it.  It wasn't like any other normal dream where I was replaying old times or anything like that...it was REALLY Ben.  I have been debating whether to share the dream or not, and then I figured - you know what?  I want to remember this dream, so I need to document it anyway.

*The Dream*

I was at my parent's house, standing in their front yard.  It began raining, and I looked over to realize that Molly's car seat was in the back of my dad's Jeep, and the top was off of the Jeep allowing the rain to soak Molly's car seat.  Because this was a dream, I can't make sense of how the Jeep was parked, other than to think it was up on a trailer, making it too tall for me to reach inside to get the car seat out.  I tried and tried, all the while being soaked in the rain, and finally slipping off the side of the Jeep unsuccessful.

I decided I would walk around the back of my parent's house to see if my dad was maybe in the backyard or something and I could get him to help me out with the car seat situation.  My dad wasn't out there, so I went in their back door that goes into the kitchen.  I opened the door, and there was Ben, standing in their kitchen, just looking at me as if he had been waiting for me to come inside.  He looked so perfect and healthy, just how I try to remember him.  He was standing there holding something - I think it was a piece of toast - just smiling at me.  

I stopped for a second, surprised to see him.  I said, "Oh!  You're here!"  And he responded with, "Yep, it's me."  Then he just smiled at me.  It was as if our spirits communicated without speaking, and he chuckled at the silly situation I had found myself in earlier in the dream with the car seat.  I just stood there, looking at him, trying to take it in.

Then suddenly, the dream flashed to Ben sitting in his chair at his house, sick and growing weaker.  I knelt down in front of his chair, and I began to talk to him.  I began telling him how badly I missed him, and loved him.  

And then I was suddenly startled awake.  The dream was over.  I woke up feeling such a strong spirit, that I knew it was really Ben...not just a memory.  I was frustrated that I had woken up and the dream couldn't have lasted longer.  But Marty reminded me that maybe I should be glad I was woken up during it, or I probably wouldn't have remembered the dream.

I have been feeling extra nostalgic lately about Ben.  I've reached a point where I can talk about him easier, but it doesn't mean I don't miss him just as much.  I find myself focusing on some of the happier times, which is good.  But then I have those moments where all the difficult scenes replay in my mind.  

I try to remind myself that Ben is finally free of his pain, and that he is doing a great work on the other side.  

But sometimes, selfishly, I just want him back.
There's definitely a gaping hole without him.